When I was a kid; a child of the 1990’s I was enamored with the Saturday morning TV show Saved By The Bell – especially by Zack Morris and his ‘super power’ of being able to stop time. Whenever he’d find himself in a troubling situation, he’d put his hands in the shape of a “T” and loudly say “Time Out”. Zack would then proceed to ‘break the fourth wall’ and talk directly to us – the audience. He’d illustrate for us viewers the trouble that he had found himself in.
This is the secret power that I always wished I had as a kid and the super-power that I wish that I had right now – or, more accurately, I wish I possessed this power over the course of January and February. If I had that ability to stop and reflect a little bit over those months – maybe I could have seen my life beginning to shatter.
In the process of piecing my best friends life back together, my life fell apart. First went many of my dreams, then the plans I had already set in motion, then my own financial situation took a dump.
When my best friend started his new job and my life began to settle a bit – I began to see the aspects of my own life that had shattered. This essentially came to me as an epiphany – one that manifested itself into a panic attack then into a deep spiraling depression – a depression that still exists, but I’ve spent a week and a half trying to manage.
Just like I took my best friends life and carefully helped him piece it back together – right now, I need to stop and take the necessary actions to, well, start over.
That’s right; helping out my best friend has put me back at square one once again. I put everything on hold. My youngest sister had a baby during that entire ordeal with my best friend and I still haven’t seen my new niece. My other sister, I just learned, is pregnant. Other friends and other relationships I completely put on hold I need to reconnect with.
My best friend thinks he found ‘happily ever after’ and I am waking up into a nightmare. Morning after morning after coming home from work, I’d just sit on my couch and just break down shaking and crying. Tears would roll down my cheeks for over an hour before I’d finally fall asleep.
During January and February I wish I had the ability to call a “time out” just so I could put things into perspective; now I just wish I had that ability just to be able reassemble my own life. It’s difficult for me to hold myself together right now as I write this.
In a few hours I’ll be going with my best friend to help him better clean out his old room in the house that he used to live in. I know we’ll be talking about this stuff because I’ve been vaguely letting him know how disrupted and scrambled my life had become due to me putting everything on hold in my life over those two months he was unemployed. I’ve told him my life is falling apart – but he thinks it’s due to financial problems – which it is not.
I need a ‘time out’ just to regain my breath.