After having a huge snow storm in Michigan just a few days ago – it’s going to be almost 70 degrees today – and my mind is all over the place which is the general state of things.
I am beginning to realize that our friendship has grown one-sided; that I am the one who is putting in the effort to keep this friendship going. I should have seen this coming when I helped him get his car back and get a new job… well, to be fair I think I did see this coming and stated it: that my purpose in this friendship is purely utilitarian. My usefulness is beginning to cease and he’s regaining some independence so his need for me is declining.
And his dead-beat girlfriend has finally decided to put in a little bit of effort to help him when he needs it – now that all the tough stuff has been dealt with by me.
I took him out to breakfast yesterday after his first day and he was telling me that he want’s to use his money to give to her to help her with her utility bill, her rent, her credit cards, her grocery bill and so on and so forth. “Because I live with her after all,” was his rationale.
Again I wonder about the state of our friendship. Did I basically allow myself to be taken advantage of?
Another frustration I have is that it’s not possible for me to hang out with just my best friend with out having to go somewhere to do so. Since he lives with his girlfriend, if I want to hang out, she is of course there too so the entire time I feel awkward like they are just waiting for me to leave.
How did I acquire the new responsibility of calling him every night to make sure he gets up in time for work? Why can’t he – or his girlfriend do this?
He wanted to have some sort of party this weekend – but I do not feel like being the awkward third-wheel on my only night off in three weeks. Not to mention my car is in need of a new battery and I gave him ALL my “extra” money so he could get steel-toed boots for his new job and get other things dealt with.
So I must wait until payday to get my own issues dealt with.
This weekend I’m going out to a club.
I’m wondering if what I need to do is to get myself another friend so that I’m not devoting so much time and energy in my best friend. Maybe that would help to balance the scales. I can only wonder how much he’d enjoy hearing from me that we can’t hang out because I’m busy with someone else – a practice that he does with me often.
Last night was my best friends first night of work at his new job. He texted me on his first break which was at 12:30 then again on his second break which was at 3am. His impression of his new job went from being “awesome” to “boring” within three hours. Over all however, he likes it which is fine by me.
I’m glad that he is working again. I’m bothered that I won’t be able to see him as frequently. But to celebrate his first day at his new job, I took my best friend out to breakfast.
We decided to meet at one location then drive to another – so when he got to the initial destination and got in my car to go to the next, when I went to start my car, I realized that it wouldn’t start. The battery had gone dead. Thankfully he was there to give my car a jump start. But to be safe, we decided that it would be better that we take his car to the restaurant.
Wouldn’t want to be stranded.
It was a nice little breakfast despite me feeling like there is a distance in our friendship that continues to get wider. I wonder how long it will be before he starts to subtly push me away again now that his life has returned to some form of normalcy. He essentially pushed me to the sidelines when he first started developing interest in his current girlfriend – now that they are entering “month 3” of their relationship and think that they are meant for each other – will he start pushing me away again?
I cannot interpret the state of our friendship and this bothers me…
Anyway I drove his BMW today for the first time so that was exciting.
When he dropped me off back at my car, I went to an auto supply store and had my battery tested. To my chagrin the battery is bad and it will cost $110 to get a new one. I’ll have to wait until pay day to deal with that.
I’ve clearly angered the fates and they want me to live in perpetual misery.
“Things will get better” I keep telling myself, I just wish I knew when…
Why do I have so many apprehensions in regards to the relationship between my best friend and I? I can only wonder if it’s due to my history of having previous friendships dissolve very quickly after some sort of disruption. It’s easy to sustain a friendship when you get to see the other person every day – but things begin to get tricky when that no longer is possible. Separation can be dangerous in a friendship.
I’d like to believe that our friendship is strong, that it will endure any turbulence that it may encounter but our friendship is quite young – it’s barely been 5 months. How deep, how strong are the roots of this friendship?
I’ve had so many friendships fall apart in my life for various reasons that I am trying so hard to make sure that this one is built on something aside from mere convenience. I feel that love will create stronger bonds between us than anything else. We have our differences and disagreements but those do not need to be hindrances.
What my mind keeps going back to is what he told me the day before he got fired from the job we initially met at – that he could just disappear and never look back. Basically move on and forget about me – which is an experience that I have gone through a few times in my life. I can’t help but think that despite everything that I’ve done for him, if things fall apart between him and his girlfriend, he will just disappear, that I’m not important enough to stick around for.
This fear probably has become apparent in the entries in this blog – hell, it’s the fear that instigated this blog in the first place.
I have an inability to gauge exactly how he feels about the state of our friendship. I’m pretty sure that his girlfriend will continue to increase in importance to him and I will decrease and that will be due to our lack of proximity to one another.
Why isn’t there a guidebook for dilemma’s like this? A how-to guide on how to maintain a friendship when things begin to go a bit awry.
We texted all night while I was at work, that part of our relationship is still going strong however I wonder when things like that are going to stop. I swear we need to have one of those “state of our friendship” type discussions just to see where things stand… but that alone will reveal that I am worried about where things stand.
There will be multiple posts today; I need to do some thoughtletting (a word I made up when I was in my early twenties that essentially means to alleviate my mind from troublesome thoughts.)
I’m happy he has a new job, but am I beginning to see the last days of our friendship?
How do I hold on?
The relationship between him and her is now “Facebook official”. A relationship that he had kept secret from many he has now made public.
I still hold my reservations.
Tonight is his first night of work at his new job. I wonder how this will effect our friendship; will I be replaced by someone he finds more fun to be around?
Now that a majority of his large problems have been solved, what purpose do I serve in his life? I don’t know.
I’m sitting here alone at a coffee shop trying to contemplate what path our friendship now will take. I do not want this friendship to dissolve – but trying to find time to be around each other will not be easy.
Friendship takes work….
“Sometimes friends make mistakes. Grievous ones that cry out for us to stay and prove we are true friends.”
– Beth Bernobich
Love is exhausting; why is that never said?
I took one of those annoying Facebook quizzes earlier today and it said something that I had never considered; “the friendship you guys share is one based on finding redemption in each others friendship.” I couldn’t help but think that in a way that this may be true.
My best friend and I have a history of saving each other from various levels of certain disaster. We hold each other up when we’re about to fall – and when one of us do fall down, we stop the world until our footing’s have been regained.
I think my best friend is finally regaining his footing.
I’ve been working 7 nights a week and spending most of my days with my best friend trying to make sure his life has been turned around. Today however, I came straight home after work today and decided my best option was to get some much needed rest. It’s going to be seven more nights before I get another day off.
I’ve been worn out.
My best friend is getting a few last things tied up today before he starts work Sunday night – he is also dying his hair green and blue which should look interesting considering he’s a red head. Regardless I’m so happy to see that things are normalizing again for him.
I still have my doubts about the relationship that he is in. I just don’t see the love that supposedly exists between them.
I need awhile to recover myself from this past month and a half – until one of our lives begins to unravel again. Then the work and the misery and the eventual recovery begins again.
Our friendship has been this odd carousel of falling down and picking each other up again.
But isn’t that love? Or redemption?
I believe there is a solid foundation to our friendship – but what it is exactly that we’re standing on I cannot yet define. There need not be any soil samples taken because what is below our feet will hold us up and that is all that matters.
I spent all morning with my best friend again – today we had a mission that included making sure that his bills for this month got paid, meeting one of his friends, getting him steel toed boots and generally just being around each other.
But being a third shift worker – I once again stayed up way past my bedtime.
Here are two texts he sent me last night while at work:
“I love that my best friend is the most caring, giving just most spectacular person ever, now that’s a fucking perk”
“You are by far the best person that I have ever met and you decided to be my best friend I can’t thank you enough just for that let alone all the things you have done and are doing for me and don’t forget it. You won’t FYI I won’t let you.”
You see – I’ve got the greatest person in the world as a best friend.
Love him a million times over.
I’m at a coffee shop and my best friend is currently having an orientation for a temp job a few buildings down. Despite him having his car back, I drove him and volunteered to be here with him.
Earlier we were at his girlfriends house and he was telling her and I about a dream he had in which him and her were on their honeymoon. The dream involved tamed panthers and leopards. The context of the dream piqued my interest, especially considering these two were having a conversation about their relationship yesterday.
He thinks that she is “the one” and her mom told her that he may be “the one” for her.
It’s only been two months!
Anyway, on the drive to his orientation I was able to finally tell him that from my perspective the relationship he got himself into looked disastrous – that immediately after it began I watched as his life fell apart. He told me that he could understand.
He still has until April to get a job – perhaps he’ll be getting one due to this orientation at this temp agency, how this job will effect their relationship is, of course, unknown.
I keep having these feelings of dejavu however, like I’ve been in this situation before.
1) Best friend finds girlfriend.
2) Best friend moves in with girlfriend
3) Best friend only has time for girlfriend
4) Best friend gets married
5) Never see best friend again.
I’ve had so many friendships deteriorate due to this scenario that I can’t help but think I’m just watching it happen again. Even worse – what if my helping him I’m creating the conditions that will allow for our friendship to dissolve.
Either way; something is falling apart and I fear that it’s me. I am the fabled destroyer planet – or Vishnu….
He lives with his girlfriend; soon he’ll have a new job, the new job will mean he’ll develop new friendships. His time will also be occupied soon with his daughter that hasn’t been born yet. He’s not going to have time for me anymore – that frightens me.
I don’t know why I am doomed to a life of loneliness. Everyone goes away in the end… how did I become the one people deem worthy of abandonment?
My story will not have a happy ending.
Not so long ago I took my best friend to show him the house that I was interested in buying, he asked me if that was too big of a place for me to live at all by myself. Even he knows that there is something flawed about me that has destined me to a life of being alone.
Perhaps that was subtle foreshadowing.
Perhaps sitting here alone in this coffeeshop as I wait for him is even more foreshadowing. I only serve a utilitarian purpose for people – when there is not longer a use for me I’m pushed away until the currents of life push me towards another person who needs to use me.
I am one of those desolate angels that Jack Kerouac was talking about. I’ve been pushed off to the sides so often that I expect it.
I wonder if I’ll ever have the luxury of having someone to be there when I need them. I even hesitate when asking for something from my best friend. I don’t believe I’m a priority to him like he is to me; only because his girlfriend has that position.
But he said that I could be the best man at his wedding. I neglected to tell him that I don’t do weddings.
He starts his new job Sunday night.
He needs steel toed boots though so tomorrow after work I hope that we’ll be able to go out and get him a pair.
He just had a 5 minute break from his orientation, he thanked me for all I’m doing for him.
My utilitarian services are appreciated.
I hope his new job is 3rd shift otherwise he’ll never have time for me.
The real changes begin in just a few short days. The deck seems to be stacked against me.
I can’t win.
Are these the waning days of our friendship or just the first days of a new beginning?
Am I worried? Hyperlink.
Should I be? Prossibly.
My world is shaped by dejection and rejection – I want to feel joy again… sometime… with someone.
…..on someone who is not looking for me.
Minutes turn to hours turn to days turn to weeks turn to months turn to years. All this time that passes and the only lessen that I learn is that any future I thought I had, I will never get.
There is no one out there looking for me.
I took my best friend out to lunch after his orientation so he had something to eat.
I still love him – I’m just stressed.
I went over and spent several hours with my best friend and his girlfriend just talking – mainly about punk rock. He rescheduled his job interview for tomorrow morning so I’ll be back over after work in the morning to supply him with some clean urine because that’s how things go.
Him and his girlfriend were having some sort of discussion about their relationship before I got there – a discussion that I’m not sure what it all entailed. He said that it wasn’t bad, but who knows. His text responses to me have been kind of blunt so I am wondering what this talk is all about. I can’t quite detect what is going on between them – the state of their relationship is unknown to me. The fact that she wants him to move out if he don’t have a job by April suggests to me the direction their relationship is headed.
My guess is that she wants to move on – she has a pattern of this. Get into a relationship that lasts a few months then when the newness goes away she starts looking elsewhere. I’ve seen her do this 10 times last year, my best friend is number 11.
I’m not going to let him go however.
Anyway I’ll be seeing my friend quite a bit this week. Tomorrow again for my piss, then Friday or Saturday so I can give him money to cover his bills and fill his car up with gas.
I also want to take him somewhere just because.
I finally was able to drop off his Italian beer that I got him last week and he was happy about that.
I like seeing him happy.
In about an hour and a half my friend will be here – and there is about a foot of snow in my driveway that I have to deal with before he arrives. I also need to do a bit of apartment cleaning after having a little bit of a tiring night at work. He has a job interview later this evening that will require a drug test which is technically what his visit this morning is all about.
Although I want him to get a job, I feel like it’s kind of a two-edged sword because if he gets one before April his girlfriend will continue to let him stay at her place. He needs to get out of that mess – I feel that once out of that relationship it will be far easier for him to turn his life around for the better.
Anyway – the place that he is attempting to get a job at, from what I understand, is very tough to get into and people who work there really just want to get out. He once again has placed all his eggs in one basket. The places that I got him applications to he has either “messed up” on or decided against applying to. The place that I drove him an hour (one way) to get to for two interviews hired him but he turned that down. Although I understand his rationale – the distance just isn’t worth it considering the minimum wage pay – why he even applied there to begin with baffles me. Probably just wanted the time together….
AS I TYPE THIS THERE HAS BEEN A CHANGE OF PLANS:
I guess that I’m going over to him and his girlfriends place because he doesn’t want to use too much gas. So I better get to shoveling that snow.
I’ll try to write a post-visit blog after I get back home.