• About

bad dinosaur 34

~ book thoughts & book reviews

bad dinosaur 34

Category Archives: Uncategorized

A NEW COMPUTER!

24 Friday Nov 2017

Posted by chadwickheller in blog, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

This morning I paid off the lay-a-way I had on a new computer and I’ve just completed setting it up! The computer is a HP All-in-One with a 19.5″ screen. It is the first desktop computer that I’ve ever owned and I am really liking it. The massive size difference between the small laptops that I was using and the new computer aren’t easy to adjust to – but I’ll manage.

all in oneI immediately downloaded three free open-source software programs for the computer so that I can start doing what I’ve been wanting to do for quite some time. I have OpenOffice, Audacity and OpenShot so that I can start writing, putting together and podcast and editing videos for YouTube.

I am very excited about all of this. I just believe now that I need a larger desk which is a problem for another day!

So stay tuned – big things are coming!

Advertisements

Life Does it Again

20 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by chadwickheller in anger, blog, cat, Coffee, debt, friend, home, House, Life, Money, time, Today, Uncategorized, work

≈ 1 Comment

I momentarily must revert back to posting a personal blog.

I am in full panic mode – I’ve broken down crying multiple times today.

I fear that everything is unraveling.

Stress Meter Showing  Panic Attack From Stress Or WorryMoments before work last night, my roommate – the one who has been living with me for almost a year.  The one who so desperately needed a place to live because his girlfriend had kicked him out. The one I met through my [former] best friend and helped as much as I could.

He sent me a text letting me know that he is moving out.

Yesterday morning I thought for once everything was beginning to look up for me, and now I have to go through the worry and anxiety of finding a new roommate.

Two of the major reasons why I got this house to begin with… have moved out.

My morning has been filled with thoughts of whether getting this house was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made or not. The tears and the uncontrollable emotions keep coming unexpectedly for me today.

I feel so lost. Abandoned. I don’t know what to do and I feel I have absolutely no one to lean on.

The story of my life continues…

I need a new roommate – preferably someone who shares my interest of books and hopefully can also respect my stuff.

I wish I had the ability to just walk away from all of this – like my [former] best friend and my room mate have, but I don’t have that option.

I am stuck and I fear this is how things will be for the rest of my life. I don’t know how to overcome this.

American Vagrant

05 Wednesday Apr 2017

Posted by chadwickheller in debt, friend, home, House, job, Life, Money, rain, time, Today, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

This generation is the latest lost generation; drifting around with no real purpose, doing whatever they can to get by – even if it means using people. The recent roommate that I just got  is a prime example of this – due to the circumstances, I will call him his real name; Jon.

I placed an ad on roommates.com three weeks ago seeking a roommate for the room that my [former] best friend left, on March 24 I got an email from a person named Jon asking about the room. We talked a bit and I had him come over to look at the space he’d be renting out, which is what he did on that Friday.

He said he was in urgent need of a place because his girlfriend had kicked him out.

He told me that he is an apprentice electrician and works primarily mornings. I didn’t think much of it on that weekend because I was more relieved that I was able to finally get someone into that room. Over the course of the weekend I asked him what his work schedule looked like, and he told me that he was essentially on call. He said that if he didn’t work Monday, he was almost certain to work the rest of the week.

He didn’t work that Monday, and when I got home from work Tuesday morning (because I work third shift) his truck was in the driveway and I realized that he didn’t work that day either. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were the same thing. He didn’t work one day that entire week. I asked him about it on that Friday and he said that he just didn’t receive any hours and it wasn’t a big deal.

Saturday I ran several errands and kept myself rather busy. Jon’s truck was gone most of the day. Due to my third shift schedule, I went to bed rather early despite having the weekend off. I went to bed at about 5pm and woke up at approximately 3am Sunday morning and went down stairs to get some household chores done. I immediately noticed that the light to the three-season’s room was on and went to see who was out there.

Sitting in my three season’s room is a girl who I had never seen before smoking a cigarette. She didn’t notice me because her back was to the door. I went back to doing my chores thinking I would make an informal greeting with her when she came back into the house.

When she walked past me however, she looked at me then walked right up the stairs and went into Jon’s room. I decided not to make an issue of having this stranger in my home since it was evident that who ever it was, they knew my new roommate.

I figured she was just visiting.

As the day went on however, this girl decided that she would just make herself at home. She was taking shower’s in my bathroom, heating up food in the microwave and walking in and out as she pleased. All while basically ignoring me as if I, the homeowner, wasn’t even there.

I figured she’d be gone by Monday because I assumed that Jon would have to work.

I was wrong on both accounts.

Monday morning when I got home from work, Jon’s truck was in the driveway and the still unknown girl was sitting in my three season’s room once again having a cigarette. I was really getting irritated at this point. I once again refrained from doing anything because it was still unclear to me what was going on.

Tuesday (yesterday) was the final straw however. When I got home from work and saw his truck in my driveway, questions about his employment filled my head. It started to dawn on me that perhaps he wasn’t employed at all, that what he really meant was that him and his girlfriend had been kicked out of the previous place they lived and basically were looking for someone that they could mooch off of for awhile.

In regards to this assumption, I was correct. I called Jon out on this by telling him that the girl (who I STILL didn’t learn the name of) either needed to move out or pay me for staying at my house. I told him that all she is doing is running up my bills and mooching off of me. All he said was, “oh ok”.

While I was asleep yesterday afternoon, him and his girlfriend packed up everything they had and moved out. The room was empty when I woke up at 10pm that evening for work.

In many respects, this is how the millennial generation operates, floating from place to place, job to job hoping that by pure luck they’ll somehow be able to ‘make it’. When things get a little tough, they just move on to the next situation. My [former] best friend was doing this (and continues to do this) and Jon – the guy who I was renting a room to also was doing this.

Jon did give me $20 on his first night here to “cover” for allowing him to move in so fast. Although the gesture was nice, I could only take into consideration that $20 only breaks down to covering only 2 days, not including the utilities he was using.

I’ve learned a few lessons from this experience, the most obvious being that anyone that I rent a room out to needs to pay at least 50% of the first months rent up front. The second is that I need to make a written agreement for any future roommates, and finally I need to make and enforce rules for anyone living here.

Things will get better – I hope.

The Unraveling of Life

17 Friday Feb 2017

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, anger, books, car, debt, friend, home, House, job, Life, time, Today, Uncategorized, work

≈ Leave a comment

Still no sign of my best friend.

This is getting upsetting. I refrained from removing him from the car insurance plan for the time being, but that will not be the case for much longer.

I am beginning to just not care at this point. Questions keep circulating in my mind like “why should I continue to do favors for him if he has no problem abandoning me when I need him?”

I’m dealing with too much and he is just becoming an added burden that I am losing the ability to carry any more. His absence is giving me depression. I am working so hard to try and set up this podcast and I’m so filled with uncertainty about whether my ‘best friend’ is on the verge of fucking me over or not, that I can’t focus on much of anything.

I made the mistake of thinking that when I got this house. the three of us would all share in the responsibility of it’s upkeep. I was clearly wrong. While I work nearly 60 hours a week, my roommates go out and play and I’m left with the task of doing… everything. When things aren’t done to their standards, they throw tantrums and leave. I’m just getting tired of all of this.

Then I find out this morning that the car insurance had gone up considerably and I’m unable to learn why.

My nieces first birthday party is this weekend but I’ll be unable to go because I volunteered to work because I’m unsure if my roommate is going to pay his share of the mortgage.

Things are falling apart – and it’s all thanks to my best friends ‘baby mama’ who, once again had to manipulate her way back into my best friends life.

A break

12 Saturday Mar 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, car, Coffee, debt, friend, Life, Love, Money, redemption, snow, Uncategorized, work

≈ Leave a comment

I am contemplating putting this friendship on hold unless he makes an effort to salvage it that is. I’m running out of energy.

When things get good I’m suddenly no longer important.

He sent me a picture of some sort of package from California – I did not respond because I did not understand the context.

I am not sure where this friendship is going – but I do feel that I am expending way too much energy in trying to preserve it.

More on this later.

Under Letter-Pressure

11 Friday Mar 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in Life, Money, Uncategorized, work

≈ Leave a comment

Last night at work was perhaps one of the most stressful nights I’ve had at my job since I started. I’m in the process of learning how to run an SLI press (Sanki Letterpress) but last night I had to deal with the tougher things like registration and impression – I also had to deal with multiple form changes.

There is a lot to learn.

When I got out of work I only wanted to cry due to the amount of stress I was under. It would have been nice to be able to talk to my best friend about this – but the last time I tried, he told me he needed to talk to his girlfriend first so I didn’t even find it worth the effort.

I do not know if I have what it takes to learn that machine at work. I’ve got approximately a week to learn everything I can. I’m not sure I have what it takes to run one of those.

Just a Lifeboat

11 Friday Mar 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, car, Coffee, debt, friend, Life, Love, Money, redemption, snow, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

A day.

That’s how long it takes before my best friend makes an effort to (indirectly) talk to me (via a Facebook comment). I mean now that his life has regained some stability why should I be a priority any more?

He has of course made his “relationship” public via Facebook after hiding it from friends and family for the past two and a half months. He’s probably wondering why his best friend isn’t going to give this new status the Facebook seal of approval with a “like” – well I am not going to validate for him that disaster he has gotten himself into.

When things don’t work out between them, he’ll have lost everything. His “relationship” is a gamble he has taken and it’s his entire life that he’s betting on. I’ve already watched his entire life fall apart once because of this “relationship” and I did a lot to piece it back together for him again.

He currently has a job through a temp agency – there is no guarantee that he’ll be hired in. He has a daughter that will be born in about a month and a half from an ex-girlfriend. Those are two major challenges that he faces – and will his current girlfriend help him deal with any of those new challenges? I strongly doubt it – especially when things begin to get inconvenient for her.

He getting a job isn’t the “happy ending” that they are treating it as – it’s just a mild calm before the new storms roll in. He is planning on helping her with bills, but I feel when the child support starts getting pulled from his paychecks, he won’t be so enthusiastic about it. I don’t think that I’ll be able to even help him out too much at that point.

And if he loses his job? Do I have the energy to go through all of this again? At this point I think that it should be his girlfriends complete responsibility. Yes, he completed one week at his new job – but it was persistently being late that caused him to lose his previous job.

I don’t know what I am to him in this friendship, I feel like I’m just his lifeboat – the refuge he goes to when his ship begins to sink, only to be abandoned when an island is landed on.

Smothered to debt

10 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in debt, Life, Money, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

I am plagued by medical bills and right when I think I’ve got them under control another one arrives in the mail. I am overwhelmed and I’m not sure what to do. I just received the second one for this week alone but I have been receiving bills almost on a weekly basis since early January.

Figuring out how to handle it is tough.

It would have been cheaper if I had died in December.

Of confidence and cowardice

10 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, car, Coffee, friend, Life, Love, Money, redemption, snow, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

After one night of training on press yesterday, my boss evidently thought I was good enough to run the press all by myself – with basically no supervision. That’s what I did and I believe that I succeeded. I didn’t have too many problems and managed to run 300 bundles which took a little over six and a half hours, I’m feeling quite confident.

Of course I’d love to tell my best friend about this but I told him yesterday that my phone would be out of service today because I couldn’t pay the phone bill. I’m going to see how long it takes before he tries to contact me. I’m wondering where exactly I stand on his priority list. Will he begin to feel concerned after one day? Two days? Three days?

When does my well-being enter his thoughts?

For the first time since approximately September I’ll have a full two-day weekend off from work, whether my best friend will be a part of that is unknown. I think I’m just going to wait until he makes an attempt to reach out to me.

I shouldn’t be the one exerting all the energy in this friendship.

He has a working car now, he knows where I live. His girlfriend is well aware of the major promotion I’m in training for – is there a chance he’ll make an effort to come see me and congratulate me? I doubt it – however if he were to surprise me, I’ll certainly write a blog post about it.

But I’m not holding my breath.

There is a certain pain here that I can’t quite articulate – and it’s on my mind persistently mainly because my body reminds me of this emotional pain surging through me persistently. How do I relieve myself of it? By letting go?

The answer may just be in the question.

some sort of misery

09 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, car, Coffee, friend, Life, Love, Money, redemption, snow, Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

At work last night I began training for a position that is essentially the largest promotion that the company I work for offers. In a months time I will have the skills required to become a press operator. The news about this came as quite a surprise yesterday considering that I did not apply for position because I know how tough it is to get.

Of course I wanted to immediately talk to my best friend about it when I got home so I told him that I would call him so I sent him a text saying I wanted to call him later – he told me in response that he needed to talk to his girlfriend, that it could take awhile so he would call me.

I responded by telling him to nevermind, that I was just going to call someone else. When I got home from work I turned my phone off and listened to the rain outside of my apartment. I realize that I’m not important to him – but it’s not easy to accept.

While at work his girlfriend came up to me and asked if I had given him money for groceries – I told him that yes, I had given him money but I didn’t necessarily specify what it was for. I’m not sure what that was all about.

I am not doing well with this loneliness that has overcome me. I feel so numb to everything. I can’t even ‘recharge’, my attempts at trying to feel happy keep sinking away. I can’t understand why I always find myself the ‘option’ – what type of personality flaw do I have that gives people the signal that I’m just not worth their attention, even when I give them mine.

Depression is beginning to overwhelm me as well. I know that things will never go in my favor and I’m losing any hope that they ever will. If I can’t even maintain a friendship, how likely will it be that I’ll EVER have a ‘significant other’?

If he doesn’t have time for a 5 minute phone call, who will?

← Older posts
Advertisements

Subscribe

  • Entries (RSS)
  • Comments (RSS)

Archives

  • November 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016
  • February 2016

Categories

  • #friend
    • friend
  • anger
  • Author
  • blog
  • Book Review
  • books
  • car
  • Carlos Andres Gomez
  • cat
  • Coffee
  • Courtney E. Martin
  • Currently Reading
  • debt
  • Discussion
  • Fantasy
  • home
  • House
  • injury
  • job
  • Joseph Heller
  • Life
  • list
  • Love
  • male friendship
  • men
  • Money
  • Non Fiction
  • On Being
  • poem
  • Quotables
  • Quote
  • rain
  • realtor
  • recommendation
  • redemption
  • review
  • science fiction
  • sex
  • snow
  • thich nhat hanh
  • Thursday Quotables
  • time
  • Today
  • Top 5 Wednesday
  • Trump
  • Uncategorized
  • work
  • Writer

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in

Blog at WordPress.com.

Cancel