Category Archives: anger

In the midst of tragedy

24 Saturday Jun 2017

Posted by in #friend, anger, friend, home, House, Life, time, Today

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My roommate called me this morning from work – he needed a ride to the hospital, his extended family had made the decision to ‘pull the plug’ on his uncles life support.

491627869_ccf42de283_oI don’t know how to accurately convey my feelings right now. Two hours ago my roommate got home from the hospital after being dropped off by a family member. In the short time that I’ve known my roommate, which is approximately one year, he has experienced more deaths of family this way – including his own father – than anyone I’ve ever known.

Although I’ve gone through the turmoil of death of loved ones, there is no way for me to know exactly what he is going through. I can’t imagine what is going through his mind.

My roommate’s family has Huntington’s disease, and despite only being 23, he has seen this disease take the lives of numerous people in his family. In order to cope with these deaths many of my roommates relatives have turned to drugs. The devastation rippling through his family is unfathomable.

He is moving out because his aunt’s health is currently in severe decline.  She is losing her home because she can’t pay for that and her medical bills.

My roommate is going through a lot – I told him that no matter what happens, he will always have a place here. He is always welcome back.

I don’t know how to be happy right now.

Life Does it Again

20 Tuesday Jun 2017

Posted by in anger, blog, cat, Coffee, debt, friend, home, House, Life, Money, time, Today, Uncategorized, work

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I momentarily must revert back to posting a personal blog.

I am in full panic mode – I’ve broken down crying multiple times today.

I fear that everything is unraveling.

Stress Meter Showing Panic Attack From Stress Or WorryMoments before work last night, my roommate – the one who has been living with me for almost a year.  The one who so desperately needed a place to live because his girlfriend had kicked him out. The one I met through my [former] best friend and helped as much as I could.

He sent me a text letting me know that he is moving out.

Yesterday morning I thought for once everything was beginning to look up for me, and now I have to go through the worry and anxiety of finding a new roommate.

Two of the major reasons why I got this house to begin with… have moved out.

My morning has been filled with thoughts of whether getting this house was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made or not. The tears and the uncontrollable emotions keep coming unexpectedly for me today.

I feel so lost. Abandoned. I don’t know what to do and I feel I have absolutely no one to lean on.

The story of my life continues…

I need a new roommate – preferably someone who shares my interest of books and hopefully can also respect my stuff.

I wish I had the ability to just walk away from all of this – like my [former] best friend and my room mate have, but I don’t have that option.

I am stuck and I fear this is how things will be for the rest of my life. I don’t know how to overcome this.

This little life of mine

15 Saturday Apr 2017

Posted by in anger, books, cat, home, House, Life, Money, rain, time, Today, work

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Spring is here – the forecast originally called for storms today, but Michigan thought that a sunny, 80 degree day would be much better. Considering how my week has gone, this change in the weather is very welcome.

After Wednesday, my week finally began to mellow out. The basement is in the process of drying up and not too many eventful things have happened. It is a pleasant 180 from last weekend that included a flooded basement, a flat tire and rejecting a potential roommate.

The past two days I’ve spent being rather ‘lazy’. I did spend a considerable amount of time today cleaning up the house. I vacuumed for the first time in about two months and did various other things I’ve been neglecting.

I have also been reading a lot. I finally finished that (dull) post office book that could have been so much better. I recently started David McCullough’s THE JOHNSTOWN FLOOD and I am enjoying that quite a lot. The book is so well written I am visualizing some of the terrifying scene’s he’s depicting and they give me shivers.

Lately I’ve had a strong desire to just read non-fiction. I’m not sure why this is. I tend to gravitate towards non-fiction when I’m depressed – which I still am. I’m trying to figure out how to pay all of this month’s bills which has me considerably stressed. My roommate said that he’d cover the utility bill, but until I see the money for that, it’s still going to be my problem.

I renewed the ad I have on Craigslist in the hopes of finding a new roommate, but I shouldn’t get my hopes up right now. My [former] best friend really threw my life into a loop when he left and it’s been quite the struggle ever since.

I catch myself at least once a day trying not to break down.

Things will get better I’m told.

But when?

Letting Go of a Friendship

20 Monday Mar 2017

Posted by in #friend, anger, blog, cat, debt, friend, home, House, job, Life, list, male friendship, Money, rain, time, Today

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Friendship’s come to an end – sometimes with a bang, sometimes with a whimper. I am pretty sure the person that once called me his best friend is no longer a friend at all.

It’s been over a month since I’ve last spoken or seen him. I do not know what he is up to. All of his stuff remains in this house however and it is unclear to me what that means. I do not know if he is going to pay for his portion of the rent this month which means that I will have to come up with an extra $300.

I am so lost.

This entire situation has been very exhausting and I am trying so hard to keep my mind off of it, but depression takes over none-the-less.

I do not feel that it is my responsibility to get a hold of him since he did the leaving and not me. I have so much stress due to all of this that it is beginning to give me health issues.

I have placed ad’s on various websites seeking a new roommate because I am unsure if my “best friend” is coming back. I’m not sure how I’ll be able to make it if I don’t get another person in here though.

The reality is, however, that this is not the first time that he has treated me like this. Whenever he is with his baby-mama, he feels obligated to treat me like crap. She encourages it despite the fact that the reason those two are even talking is that I went out of my way to get him to start talking to her again.

I’ll be honest though – what he is doing could very well fuck me over and a lot of the time I’m just thinking of ways to counter it. I’ve gone way out of my way to get him where he is today – if he screws me over, I pretty sure I won’t hesitate to completely destroy his AND HER life.

I am getting to the point where I absolutely do not care anymore. I am getting too old for these sorts of games and I am no longer willing to just sit back and take it as my world falls apart due to their selfish antics.

  • The way things are going – I may need to change the direction of this blog.
  • What my “best friend” doesn’t understand is that for the majority of the time that I’ve known him, I’ve been under very high amounts of stress.
  • When I went to the hospital shortly after first meeting – that was stressful.
  • When I paid all his bills and helped him get his car fixed and helped him find and get a job – that was stressful.
  • When I had him move into my tiny one bedroom apartment, then got threatened with eviction because he had no where else to go – that was stressful.
  • Co-signing on a car loan for him so he could have a dependable vehicle, just to find out that he was on the verge of losing the new job I helped him get – that was stressful.
  • Dealing with the insurance agency that was so inept I was receiving a new quote by them almost twice a week because the agent didn’t know what he was doing – that was stressful.
  • The two months it took of  getting the house that I am currently living in, while worrying about said eviction – then him disappearing off to his baby-mama’s place for several weeks – that was stressful.
  • When I was finally able to move into this house and continually had to put up with the drama caused by his baby-mama as I dealt with all the new things that owning a home entails – that was stressful.
  • And finally, him just leaving without notice, making me wonder how I’ll be able to pay the bills – that is also stressful.

If he wonder’s why I’m on the edge all the time – I wish he could take all of that into consideration. I am constantly fixing his mistakes and, as of right now, I think that I’m done – just completely done – with that.

A Little Dark Cloud I find myself under

05 Sunday Mar 2017

Posted by in #friend, anger, blog, books, cat, friend, home, House, job, Life, male friendship, men, Money, time, Today, Trump, work

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I have technically lost count as to how many day’s my best friend has been gone. All I know is that his absence is the source of this depression that I’m dealing with. Since his phone is turned off, I do not have a way to get a hold of him – or to technically even know where he is. I can only assume he is at his baby-mama’s place, but that, at this point is just speculation on my part.

In order to deal with this, I’ve resorted to writing political essay’s everyday in a notebook. I realize that I’ve mentioned this before however outside of work, these essay’s take up a majority of my time.

I do want to be a writer someday. In pursuit of this dream, I also bought myself a used (like-new) Brother electronic typewriter. I think that if I can hand write a page or so a day in regards to the latest political controversy, I can also type a page or two a day as a basis to a novel of some variety.

Of course other chunks of my morning’s entail dealing with the cats, the plants I’ve started growing that will eventually go into a garden and copious amounts of reading.

All of this as an attempt to get my mind off the absence of my best friend.

There aren’t any real developments in my life aside from the fact that this is the first weekend that I’ve had off since December and I spent a majority of it sitting alone in my house wondering if maybe my best friend might stop by before I just fell asleep from exhaustion.

I’m just not liking this situation at all.

The Unraveling of Life

17 Friday Feb 2017

Posted by in #friend, anger, books, car, debt, friend, home, House, job, Life, time, Today, Uncategorized, work

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Still no sign of my best friend.

This is getting upsetting. I refrained from removing him from the car insurance plan for the time being, but that will not be the case for much longer.

I am beginning to just not care at this point. Questions keep circulating in my mind like “why should I continue to do favors for him if he has no problem abandoning me when I need him?”

I’m dealing with too much and he is just becoming an added burden that I am losing the ability to carry any more. His absence is giving me depression. I am working so hard to try and set up this podcast and I’m so filled with uncertainty about whether my ‘best friend’ is on the verge of fucking me over or not, that I can’t focus on much of anything.

I made the mistake of thinking that when I got this house. the three of us would all share in the responsibility of it’s upkeep. I was clearly wrong. While I work nearly 60 hours a week, my roommates go out and play and I’m left with the task of doing… everything. When things aren’t done to their standards, they throw tantrums and leave. I’m just getting tired of all of this.

Then I find out this morning that the car insurance had gone up considerably and I’m unable to learn why.

My nieces first birthday party is this weekend but I’ll be unable to go because I volunteered to work because I’m unsure if my roommate is going to pay his share of the mortgage.

Things are falling apart – and it’s all thanks to my best friends ‘baby mama’ who, once again had to manipulate her way back into my best friends life.

Life’s multitude of blunders

18 Tuesday Oct 2016

Posted by in #friend, anger, books, car, friend, home, House, injury, job, Life, Love, male friendship, men, time, Today, work

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I stayed home from work last night – after nearly collapsing again on Monday, I figured I should give my self some rest and allow for a bit of recuperation of some variety.

I am legitimately scared that if I collapse again, I will not be able to pull through like last time. I am doing everything I can to let myself heal – but my body doesn’t seem to want to cooperate at all.

Meanwhile, when my best friend got home from work he told me that he has a date this up coming Saturday. I can’t recall exactly how he met her, but the date is at some family outing of some variety.

I just hope he doesn’t do anything stupid. He has a tendency to do stupid things without consideration of the consequences – hence his daughter and that extensive drama that lead to him losing his job back in January of this year.

I keep hoping he’ll grow up a bit, but in reality all growing up is after all is navigating through life’s multitude of blunders and hopefully learning from them. These blunders often serve up some of the coldest lessons. I just wish my best friend didn’t make so many of them.

At any rate, I spent most the night and the morning… and the afternoon reading SIX of CROWS. I’m about half done and I’m enjoying it quite a bit. My mind wonders occasionally though to this fear that I’m not going to make it through my 30’s. I’ll die from an out of control hemorrhoid that refuses to heal.

I’ll be someone’s lesson..

With a hole punched in it

15 Saturday Oct 2016

Posted by in #friend, anger, books, car, friend, home, House, injury, Life, male friendship, time, Today

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On Wednesday morning one of my co-workers got critically injured in a car accident. I do not know his current condition other than there is a rumor that he won’t be back to work for several months.

This co-worker is the other Press Assistant – my primary source of help at work and now I’m looking at a very stressful busy season that is fast approaching.

I have not been able to visit him in the hospital since I’m not even sure which one he’s at. Learning details is very difficult to come by. I wish I knew more.

In an unrelated note, my best friend decided to punch a hole through the basement wall for no reason aside from wanting to know “what was behind it”. So now there is a giant hole in the dry-wall. This has pissed me off quite a bit.

I went through a lot trying to make sure we got this house and I’m doing everything I can to make sure the people living here are comfortable – and he thinks he can destroy stuff with impunity.

I told him he has to repair it.

We had plans for this weekend, but him punching a hole through the wall caused me to cancel them. Why should I treat him to dinner when he thinks destroying and misusing my stuff is OK.

I am just going to spend my weekend hiding away in my bedroom away from everything. I can’t handle things like this too well.

I fall apart

09 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by in #friend, anger, books, debt, friend, home, House, injury, job, Life, Love, male friendship, men, Money, time, Today

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Yesterday I came down with a pretty awful migraine which lasted for almost 12 hours. I felt awful and looking at bright lights of any kind only made things worse. I do believe it was the end result to having a very stress-filled work week and having little means of relief.

Our utility bill came as well yesterday and for last month, the bill is just under $250 – which is more than double of last months. Other than the central air being fixed, and subsequently being used often during our rather warm September, there hasn’t been much in the way of a change in energy use. Therefore I’m blaming the increase on the central air.

It should come as no surprise that I had a very quick, uneventful weekend. My best friend ended up cancelling his party due to my migraine and I ultimately didn’t get much of anything done. I feel as if this weekend were a waste.

My body is falling apart. I might have mentioned this in previous posts, but I have an issue with internal bleeding – the source of which is unknown. Due to this I’m on various medications to help my body produce more bloody to combat the blood loss. The problem is that sometimes my blood loss happens at an increased rate – especially due to stress, other times, there is no bleeding at all.

Lately I’ve been bleeding a lot.

This is the actual source of my complaints of exhaustion. My body is in over-drive trying to replace lost blood that exerting extra energy wears me out extraordinarily fast. The blood loss of course causes more stress which only helps to perpetuate the cycle.

I also deal with acid reflux – very painful acid reflux, a condition that also gets worse with excess stress. Basically I’m sore a lot. It’s difficult for me to enjoy anything as my body discovers new ways to give me pain.

When I’m in so much pain, it’s difficult for me to control my emotions. People can’t see that my throat is on fire, or that my chest feels compressed or full of what feels like painful beads. They don’t know what it feels like to have their colon fill with blood – and the light headed-ness and dizziness that results from it. They don’t understand how the blood loss can make me feel disoriented and confused.

So lately people have been resorting to calling me ‘stupid’ and ‘deaf’ and other fun things. It’s wearing on me. They think it’s funny when they catch me “staring off into the distance” when in reality I’m just trying to maintain my balance and reconnect with my other senses.

I wanted to get some writing done this weekend, but my body had other plans.

I wish I were healthy.

The American Bear

02 Sunday Oct 2016

Posted by in #friend, anger, blog, books, car, cat, Coffee, debt, friend, home, House, job, Life, Love, male friendship, men, Money, rain, redemption, time, Today

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My roommates and a coworker of theirs have decided that they are going to brew beer – a hobby that I’m ok with. But there was a bit of an issue that occurred yesterday morning that really upset me – in their endeavor to start the brewing process they decided to use my stuff, which technically would not have been and issue except that they decided that they did not have to clean it and basically left a large mess in the kitchen for me to deal with.

So there was an exchange of words. I told them that they would no longer be allowed to use my stuff for their beer hobby since they neglected to clean up after themselves.

One of the first steps of making beer is to boil the hops and barley – or whatever grains they were using. This step can be very stinky. Well, instead of getting rid of the boiled grains they just left them sitting in a bowl of mine on the kitchen counter all night. This act of neglect caused the entire house to smell terrible for a large portion of the day. If they simply had gotten rid of it and cleaned out the bowl, it’s doubtful that I would have even known.

But, to say the least, I was not pleased.

My best friend decided to do all the dishes. We’re all back to good – but them getting their own utensils for their hobby still stands so if they are neglectful with their own stuff, the replacement for it is isn’t coming out of my pocket.

On Friday morning my roommates and I went to Goodwill to see if they had anything suitable for the house. As we looked around we found the entire extended version of all of the Lord of The Rings trilogy for $6 a piece. I got them all for my best friend. He is a huge LOTR fan and he spent half of Saturday watching them.

Saturday was almost entirely a gray day – it rained a majority of the day with some moderate to severe storms interspersed. I had just finished a 12 day stretch at work and just wanted to unwind the entire weekend. I was back and forth between watching the LOTR trilogy and reading a book that I’ll talk about later in this post.

Also on Friday, a decorative bear for the bathroom finally arrived. We had been waiting well over a week for it. The cub statue is designed to hold up toilet paper that sits on a piece of wood being held up by his paw. The cubs other paw is covering his little nostrils. Behind the bear is a dowel that holds three spare rolls of TP. The little guy is quite convenient.

But assembly wasn’t too easy.

Over the course of this weekend I began reading the movie novelization of THE SUICIDE SQUAD and to say the least, it is very well written. The story flows – and offers so much more than the movie version it’s based off. It’s 375 pages and I’ve got less that 70 pages to go. I do recommend it if you like stories about DC comics.

Skip the movie though.