Yesterday I came down with a pretty awful migraine which lasted for almost 12 hours. I felt awful and looking at bright lights of any kind only made things worse. I do believe it was the end result to having a very stress-filled work week and having little means of relief.

Our utility bill came as well yesterday and for last month, the bill is just under $250 – which is more than double of last months. Other than the central air being fixed, and subsequently being used often during our rather warm September, there hasn’t been much in the way of a change in energy use. Therefore I’m blaming the increase on the central air.

It should come as no surprise that I had a very quick, uneventful weekend. My best friend ended up cancelling his party due to my migraine and I ultimately didn’t get much of anything done. I feel as if this weekend were a waste.

My body is falling apart. I might have mentioned this in previous posts, but I have an issue with internal bleeding – the source of which is unknown. Due to this I’m on various medications to help my body produce more bloody to combat the blood loss. The problem is that sometimes my blood loss happens at an increased rate – especially due to stress, other times, there is no bleeding at all.

Lately I’ve been bleeding a lot.

This is the actual source of my complaints of exhaustion. My body is in over-drive trying to replace lost blood that exerting extra energy wears me out extraordinarily fast. The blood loss of course causes more stress which only helps to perpetuate the cycle.

I also deal with acid reflux – very painful acid reflux, a condition that also gets worse with excess stress. Basically I’m sore a lot. It’s difficult for me to enjoy anything as my body discovers new ways to give me pain.

When I’m in so much pain, it’s difficult for me to control my emotions. People can’t see that my throat is on fire, or that my chest feels compressed or full of what feels like painful beads. They don’t know what it feels like to have their colon fill with blood – and the light headed-ness and dizziness that results from it. They don’t understand how the blood loss can make me feel disoriented and confused.

So lately people have been resorting to calling me ‘stupid’ and ‘deaf’ and other fun things. It’s wearing on me. They think it’s funny when they catch me “staring off into the distance” when in reality I’m just trying to maintain my balance and reconnect with my other senses.

I wanted to get some writing done this weekend, but my body had other plans.

I wish I were healthy.