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bad dinosaur 34

Monthly Archives: June 2016

Incomplete Thoughts

26 Sunday Jun 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in friend

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I spent the second half of the day yesterday with my best friend which was nice. We were able to actually ‘hang out’ which hasn’t really happened in quite awhile. I’m still a little sad that he basically just left without a notice to live with his girlfriend. He doesn’t seem to comprehend that just doing whatever you want has it’s consequences.

I understand that there isn’t much at all to do here in this stupid little apartment, but him persistently giving me this feeling of rejection is awfully difficult to deal with. Our relationship consistently sways from one direction to the next and I have difficulty trying to decipher what his actions mean. He moves from place to place and from people to people with reckless abandon and it makes me wonder sometimes how important I am to him.

I equate a persons willingness to communicate with others to home much they care about that other person. His lack of disclosing his plans to me – but willingness to ‘tell all’ to others is rather discouraging. I often wonder why there is this ‘divide’ between us that he has so carefully constructed, a divide of his own creation that I’ve yet to determine the meaning of.

Regardless, I did not get as much packing done as I’d like since I want to prioritize time spent with my best friend – which kind of causes me to be a bit counterproductive at times. I figure that I’m going to have roughly 5 days this upcoming weekend to devote to packing, that I can procrastinate just a little bit.

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Deep Stress

25 Saturday Jun 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in friend

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My best friend and the third roommate have decided to just up and leave two weeks ago with out giving me any sort of notice. Of course they do this at the height of my stress, leaving me to wonder if they are going to back out of this house deal entirely.

I had to have a long discussion with my best friend over the phone not too long ago about this because their leaving is very over whelming at this point. I don’t know why it is so easy for people to just throw me away like this – as if my problems aren’t worth their concern, but their problems must be issues that I take seriously.

As you can probably see – due to the lack of updates on here, I’ve been extremely busy with stuff related to the house. It’s become absolutely tiring. It is tough to find time to even write an update.

All the stress related to the house is really doing a number on the sleep I’ve been getting – I’ve been averaging about 3 hours a day. Since the best friend moved out I don’t really have anyone I can go to to get some relief.

My closing date has been moved back to the 30th of this month from it’s original date of the 20th. This of course adds to the stress.

I can’t remember what it feels like to be happy.

Awful

12 Sunday Jun 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in friend

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Today – I’m just feeling awful.

Nine Days…

11 Saturday Jun 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in friend

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My best friend and his on-again off-again “girlfriend” are back together a week or so after he told her that he wants nothing to do with her and that they’d just be co-parents.

I keep watching her manipulate him over and over for months and I see this current development as just another manipulation on her part. This might last a little longer that previous attempts, however everything will fall apart in a devastating manner soon enough.

The closing date for the house is nine days away and I’ve yet to hear any news on the progress of the mortgage, I’m slightly worried about this. I don’t know if this silence is a normal aspect of the mortgage process. I keep trying to reassure myself that everything is going fine when in reality I just simply do not know.

There is SO much still to do though – I have A LOT of packing to do, I haven’t even started with that. I have to do a whole bunch of things in regards to the house like getting utilities, trash, water and other various things set up in my name. The work ahead of me looks daunting and I’m not sure how to confront it all yet.

And the brakes on my car need to be replaced.

I just want all of this stuff to take care of itself somehow, but I doubt that will occur.

The distance, the despair…

05 Sunday Jun 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, blog, books, car, Coffee, debt, friend, home, House, Life, list, Love, male friendship, men, Money, rain, realtor, redemption, time, Today

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Just over two weeks until the closing date gets here and I’ve heard nothing on the status of the mortgage and I’m quite worried. I think I’ve done everything right, I hope I’ve done everything right but I don’t know.

I have little confidence in myself.

Also: I haven’t really seen or talked to my best friend in the past four days despite him living with me. He’s developed a new sleep schedule that is the opposite of mine so when I’m up in the morning, he’s asleep. This weekend he invited me to go to a bon fire with one of his co workers, but I declined – things like that stress me out. I enjoy bon fires, I HATE being around a lot of people I don’t know. I try to avoid those types of social situations.

I miss the feeling of being happy. Like, being legitimately happy, and sometimes I think happiness is derived from the feeling of being wanted and I rarely get that feeling from anyone. I’m always worried, always wondering if I’ll be able to make my bills. I don’t know. I keep believing that getting into the house will change all this, but there is no way to be certain, is it a ‘the grass is greener’ sensation that I’m experiencing when thinking about living in the house as apposed to this tiny apartment?

I’ve finally am getting back into reading which is cool. I’m currently reading Robopocalypse by Daniel H. Wilson and I’m really enjoying it. I’m also simultaneously baking honey bread while doing this and I’m hoping that this loaf turns out better than the previous loaf, but who knows. Perhaps it’s the humidity but all my baking endeavors as of late have been complete flops – so I’m going to try not to fail with this one.

Of course it’s the weekend so both of the roommates are out, they’ll probably be returning while I’m in the process of doing something and will want me to go with them somewhere. I’m just not in the mood for it today, there is way too much on my mind and there is no distraction large enough to help ease the stress.

It’s either the house OR eviction, and things are coming down to the wire.

A home OR homelessness.

It’s an all or nothing situation and I wish I had some clarity in regards to the status of the situation.

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