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“There is no term to describe the breakup of a passionate friendship, no ritual or legal proceeding to mark  its end the way divorce does for marriage, even though it often leaves just as large a hole in the psyche. Lost friends are as haunting as lost lovers, and just as hard to replace. The more abrupt and inexplicable their behavior, the more troubling and insidious the toll. The fallout from betrayal by friends can resonate for decades.”

– Jeanne Safer, The Golden Condom

No, my best friend and I haven’t ‘broke up’ but I fear that the connection between us that once existed has gotten strained; it’s weakened and I told him so much. I also told him that I’m going to be stubborn and weather, with him, whatever storms come his way, my way or even ‘our way’.

I’ve had several friendship break-ups in the past and I’m not sure I can endure another one. I mean, even with my current friendship with Thunder I clearly hold my reservations and that is due to the issues I’ve faced in previous friendships.

I know that I’ve talked about this plenty of times here before…

…but it’s a topic that my mind can’t seem to move away from.

Some of the problems I had with previous friendships is that they were very superficial – yeah, I guess that’s the right word. They had some depth but lacked substance. – and that is what I am trying to ensure that my current friendship has. There needs to be some form of bedrock that our friendship is founded on. The problem is that I’m not sure if my best friend shares the same view that I do.

Him and I discussed getting matching tattoo’s again yesterday. I don’t have any tattoo’s but I am agreeing to this largely because it is his idea and something as permanent as a tattoo signifies something… right? Considering that it is his idea and not mine says that he wants this friendship to last.

But why doesn’t he ever feel the need to talk to me? Spending time together is a key to even a casual friendship and I worry that slowly I’m being replaced by his girlfriend.

Maybe.

I think when she told him last weekend that she felt the connection between them was gone – some cracks in their relationship began to appear. Her role in destroying his life back in January, causing him to lose his job – the place where he and I developed our friendship – then said that I was interfering with their relationship when I tried to maintain the friendship; that role of hers I CANNOT over look.

Their risky behavior like the pregnancy scare they had, the fact that they went in the ditch during a run for weed (resulting in him getting a $500 hospital bill) and other small things I don’t have the patience to list makes me want to see that relationship come to an end.

That might be terrible to say – but after much consideration that is the conclusion that I’ve reached. I need to draw a line somewhere. Their relationship is such a huge disaster and if anything threatens a potential friendship break up between my best friend and I, it’ll be her.

At any rate, today I sit here in a new coffee shop contemplating terms that could be used to define a friendship break up – and once I come up with one, I hope that I’ll never have to use it to define the friendship between my best friend and I.

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