I don’t know if there is a word that could accurately describe the way that I feel. A large part of me has – perhaps reluctantly – started to let go of this friendship. The closeness I believe has been lost, demolished… perhaps even sabotaged by his girlfriend. The fact that my feelings towards this is melancholy should be an indicator of the state of this friendship.
Why did I get myself so involved in someones life when such a large part of me knew that the moment things were good for him once again, he’d go right back to treating me like an inconvenience.
Our culture places an emphasis on female friendships – offering volumes worth of advice on how to maintain a female friendship – but male friendships are largely ignored. They aren’t taken as seriously in our culture homo-social male friendships are typically the object of ridicule. Expectations are placed on men that they should not get ‘too close’ because, of course, it could be taken as there being something sexual taking place.
Regardless what our culture says about male friendships, there are still emotions involved. There is still a love that exists, and when the friendship begins to fall apart, there is a lot of hurt involved. The hurt is no different than one might feel during a break-up. And that is the hurt that exists in me.
I’m incredibly lost and I am trying to just figure things out. I may have set my expectations too high, or maybe my best friend isn’t exactly the person that I wished he were – the person he made himself out to be. In a way – that is a reality that I know to be true but, even as I type this, refuse to face.
Maybe it’s the current state of my life, the fact that I haven’t seen my best friend in two weeks and have had limited communication with him in general that is causing all of these strange feelings in me. Maybe I’ve forgotten how to breath and that is what I need to do.
I’m sitting here at a very noisy Starbucks on 28th street in Grand Rapids MI simply trying to absorb the reality that if things had gone according to plan, I’d be with my best friend – but his girlfriend put a stop to that, whether that was intentional I don’t know. Whatever the reason I keep recalling the time she tried to accuse me of interfering with their relationship when a large portion of the time, she’s done as much as she can to destroy the friendship that exists between my best friend and I.
Am I bitter about it? Yes. I’d lie if I said anything different. I’ve done so much for him… for them… and all they seem to want is to push me away. I’m not sure if what I did for him was worth it sometimes. My mind is overwhelmed about this all…
…there will clearly be more on this later.