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He dyed his hair lime green from the natural red it once was. I haven’t been able to see him in person yet but he finally did text me. He invited me to go glo-golfing with him next weekend because he said that his hair will glow below the black lights.

That should be interesting.

I gave him the illusion that I had a crazy weekend when in fact I basically just wallowed in loneliness the entire time. Right now I sit alone at a coffee shop sipping on a white chocolate mocha contemplating when things began to fall apart and whether or not I’ll ever be whole again. I feel as if there is something fundamental missing in me; whether it’s missing from me, our friendship or from him I do not know.

“And between us now there is this continual underground struggle over something trivial and nebulous that won’t abate and has lasted nearly as long as the two of us have known each other. “I love you.”
Joseph Heller, Something Happened 

We no longer see each other every day, our interactions will be reduced to a few hours here and there on the weekends. I’m going to tell him that I will no longer hang out with him at her house. I don’t want to create the illusion that I even remotely endorse their disastrous relationship. Everything about it screams ‘trainwreck’ and I’m not ready for part 2. It’s a relationship based on convenience and sex. The “love” is conditional and only exists when things are comfortable. I’m experiencing the metaphorical ‘eye of the storm’ – the brief calm before the really terrible winds come ashore and knock down everything that with stood the first part of typhoon.

And I know that I’ll be brought into it – but those murder winds will cut right through me even worse than the first.

2016 will destroy me and I do not know how I will recover. I worry that the past ten years of my life were all leading up to this point and I’m simply on the verge of some sort of emotional self destruction.  How did my life get to be so consumed by the notion that I must preserve this friendship at any cost?

I just desperately need to know that I mean something to someone – and I intuitively fear that this is the best chance I’ll ever have of finding out.

There should be more later in regards to this on-going saga.

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