At work last night I began training for a position that is essentially the largest promotion that the company I work for offers. In a months time I will have the skills required to become a press operator. The news about this came as quite a surprise yesterday considering that I did not apply for position because I know how tough it is to get.
Of course I wanted to immediately talk to my best friend about it when I got home so I told him that I would call him so I sent him a text saying I wanted to call him later – he told me in response that he needed to talk to his girlfriend, that it could take awhile so he would call me.
I responded by telling him to nevermind, that I was just going to call someone else. When I got home from work I turned my phone off and listened to the rain outside of my apartment. I realize that I’m not important to him – but it’s not easy to accept.
While at work his girlfriend came up to me and asked if I had given him money for groceries – I told him that yes, I had given him money but I didn’t necessarily specify what it was for. I’m not sure what that was all about.
I am not doing well with this loneliness that has overcome me. I feel so numb to everything. I can’t even ‘recharge’, my attempts at trying to feel happy keep sinking away. I can’t understand why I always find myself the ‘option’ – what type of personality flaw do I have that gives people the signal that I’m just not worth their attention, even when I give them mine.
Depression is beginning to overwhelm me as well. I know that things will never go in my favor and I’m losing any hope that they ever will. If I can’t even maintain a friendship, how likely will it be that I’ll EVER have a ‘significant other’?
If he doesn’t have time for a 5 minute phone call, who will?