Why do I have so many apprehensions in regards to the relationship between my best friend and I? I can only wonder if it’s due to my history of having previous friendships dissolve very quickly after some sort of disruption. It’s easy to sustain a friendship when you get to see the other person every day – but things begin to get tricky when that no longer is possible. Separation can be dangerous in a friendship.

I’d like to believe that our friendship is strong, that it will endure any turbulence that it may encounter but our friendship is quite young – it’s barely been 5 months. How deep, how strong are the roots of this friendship?

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I’ve had so many friendships fall apart in my life for various reasons that I am trying so hard to make sure that this one is built on something aside from mere convenience. I feel that love will create stronger bonds between us than anything else. We have our differences and disagreements but those do not need to be hindrances.

What my mind keeps going back to is what he told me the day before he got fired from the job we initially met at – that he could just disappear and never look back. Basically move on and forget about me – which is an experience that I have gone through a few times in my life. I can’t help but think that despite everything that I’ve done for him, if things fall apart between him and his girlfriend, he will just disappear, that I’m not important enough to stick around for.

This fear probably has become apparent in the entries in this blog – hell, it’s the fear that instigated this blog in the first place.

I have an inability to gauge exactly how he feels about the state of our friendship. I’m pretty sure that his girlfriend will continue to increase in importance to him and I will decrease and that will be due to our lack of proximity to one another.

Why isn’t there a guidebook for dilemma’s like this? A how-to guide on how to maintain a friendship when things begin to go a bit awry.

We texted all night while I was at work, that part of our relationship is still going strong however I wonder when things like that are going to stop. I swear we need to have one of those “state of our friendship” type discussions just to see where things stand… but that alone will reveal that I am worried about where things stand.

There will be multiple posts today; I need to do some thoughtletting (a word I made up when I was in my early twenties that essentially means to alleviate my mind from troublesome thoughts.)

I’m happy he has a new job, but am I beginning to see the last days of our friendship?

How do I hold on?

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