I’m at a coffee shop and my best friend is currently having an orientation for a temp job a few buildings down. Despite him having his car back, I drove him and volunteered to be here with him.
Earlier we were at his girlfriends house and he was telling her and I about a dream he had in which him and her were on their honeymoon. The dream involved tamed panthers and leopards. The context of the dream piqued my interest, especially considering these two were having a conversation about their relationship yesterday.
He thinks that she is “the one” and her mom told her that he may be “the one” for her.
It’s only been two months!
Anyway, on the drive to his orientation I was able to finally tell him that from my perspective the relationship he got himself into looked disastrous – that immediately after it began I watched as his life fell apart. He told me that he could understand.
He still has until April to get a job – perhaps he’ll be getting one due to this orientation at this temp agency, how this job will effect their relationship is, of course, unknown.
I keep having these feelings of dejavu however, like I’ve been in this situation before.
1) Best friend finds girlfriend.
2) Best friend moves in with girlfriend
3) Best friend only has time for girlfriend
4) Best friend gets married
5) Never see best friend again.
I’ve had so many friendships deteriorate due to this scenario that I can’t help but think I’m just watching it happen again. Even worse – what if my helping him I’m creating the conditions that will allow for our friendship to dissolve.
Either way; something is falling apart and I fear that it’s me. I am the fabled destroyer planet – or Vishnu….
He lives with his girlfriend; soon he’ll have a new job, the new job will mean he’ll develop new friendships. His time will also be occupied soon with his daughter that hasn’t been born yet. He’s not going to have time for me anymore – that frightens me.
I don’t know why I am doomed to a life of loneliness. Everyone goes away in the end… how did I become the one people deem worthy of abandonment?
My story will not have a happy ending.
Not so long ago I took my best friend to show him the house that I was interested in buying, he asked me if that was too big of a place for me to live at all by myself. Even he knows that there is something flawed about me that has destined me to a life of being alone.
Perhaps that was subtle foreshadowing.
Perhaps sitting here alone in this coffeeshop as I wait for him is even more foreshadowing. I only serve a utilitarian purpose for people – when there is not longer a use for me I’m pushed away until the currents of life push me towards another person who needs to use me.
I am one of those desolate angels that Jack Kerouac was talking about. I’ve been pushed off to the sides so often that I expect it.
I wonder if I’ll ever have the luxury of having someone to be there when I need them. I even hesitate when asking for something from my best friend. I don’t believe I’m a priority to him like he is to me; only because his girlfriend has that position.
But he said that I could be the best man at his wedding. I neglected to tell him that I don’t do weddings.
He starts his new job Sunday night.
He needs steel toed boots though so tomorrow after work I hope that we’ll be able to go out and get him a pair.
He just had a 5 minute break from his orientation, he thanked me for all I’m doing for him.
My utilitarian services are appreciated.
I hope his new job is 3rd shift otherwise he’ll never have time for me.
The real changes begin in just a few short days. The deck seems to be stacked against me.
I can’t win.
Are these the waning days of our friendship or just the first days of a new beginning?
Am I worried? Hyperlink.
Should I be? Prossibly.
My world is shaped by dejection and rejection – I want to feel joy again… sometime… with someone.
…..on someone who is not looking for me.
Minutes turn to hours turn to days turn to weeks turn to months turn to years. All this time that passes and the only lessen that I learn is that any future I thought I had, I will never get.
There is no one out there looking for me.
I took my best friend out to lunch after his orientation so he had something to eat.
I still love him – I’m just stressed.