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Monthly Archives: February 2016

A Helping Hand

29 Monday Feb 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, Coffee, friend, Life, Love, Money, Uncategorized

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His car is fixed! Mostly. My best friends BMW has a lot of issues but for now at least the thing is driveable.

I was unable to tell him the things that I wanted to – he is going through such a rough time right now that I can’t bring myself to dishearten him anymore. All I did was reassure him that I’d be there for him and that I’d do what ever I could to help him.

His doctors bill from the other day came to $82 and I told him that I’d cover that for him. It’s due within 10 days.

According to him he didn’t have the flu, what happened is that him and his girlfriend went out in the snow storm that Michigan had last week to buy weed and she lost control of her car and they went in the ditch. His “flu” was caused by him trying to get the car out of the ditch. He, as he says, “over-exerted” himself.

His girlfriend is giving him until April to find a job, otherwise he has to leave.

He’s welcome to live with me.

I told him that.

The Great Fix

28 Sunday Feb 2016

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There is so much potential in tomorrow, however I don’t foresee much happening. The plan is that after I get out of work in the morning, I’m going to go pick up my best friend and take him to his former home to pick up his insurance claim check. That will be an hour long drive.

From there we’ll head back in the same direction that we came then drive an extra twenty minutes to the mechanic where his car is. I’ll pay the remainder of the repair bill then we’ll go to a gas station and I’ll fill his car up with gas.

After that, he’ll go to back to his girlfriends house and probably get high with her and I’ll go back to my apartment.

I’m not sure how much talking him and I will do. Will I finally be able to tell him that his girlfriend is ruining his life? Probably not. Will I tell him that I looked up the signs to look out for in a “toxic friendship” and that many of those signs him and I are currently experiencing?

Will I tell him how emotionally taxing all of this is for me? That the only ‘relief’ I have from this mess is this blog that I started with the hopes of airing out many of my frustrations?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I don’t know!

Today he texted me asking how my new tires were, I never responded.
I have too much on my mind.
It’s difficult to breath in so many ways.

I have no problem or hesitation in doing what it’ll take to get his car repaired, but what will it take to begin to repair this friendship? I need this friendship to survive, but we’re in the midst of a dreadful storm and I don’t know how to prevent everything from capsizing.

He is my lifeboat…
…but I’m becoming convinced that he thinks that she is now his lifeboat.

I’ll probably drown.

The Wheel Issues

28 Sunday Feb 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, Coffee, friend, Life, Love, Money, Uncategorized

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While driving home I had the front driver side tire on my car pop which nearly caused me to lose control of my car and drive into on coming traffic. It took over an hour for me to remove the bad tire and put on a spare so I’d be able to drive it.

I took my car to a business that sells and installs new and used tires and had them look at the car. After looking at the tires that I still had on the car and the one that I had removed, they told me that all the tires were badly worn and should be replaced.

The fact that all the tires were bald was quite evident once my car was raised up to eye level.

Fortunately the business had a set of four used tires there for sale that were in quite good condition.

They wanted $200 for them.

After calculating my budget I agreed to get the set.

Although I’m still going to have enough money to cover the cost of getting my best friends car fixed, I am not sure if I’ll be able to pay his March bills.

I’m quite stressed right now.

Our differences; my equal

27 Saturday Feb 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, Coffee, friend, Life, Love, Money, Uncategorized

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There is an age difference between my best friend and I. He’s 23 and I’m 31. This difference is never an issue until someone points it out – usually after asking us what our ages are. The age gap between us is, in many ways one of the bonds we have that hold us together – which is very tough to explain. Although our varied ages is one of the differences between us, that is far from the only one.

When my best friend was in High School he was considered one of the best football players in the state of Michigan. His college recruitment video is available for viewing on YouTube that highlights his many athletic achievements, especially in football.

I on the other hand was the quiet nerdy type in High School. The one who worked on the school newspaper and aspired one day to be a writer of some variety. The only sport I played was soccer and I was mediocre at best. I spent my free time reading.

We come from different backgrounds, but for some reason fate – or mere happenstance – brought us together on the night of November 3, 2015, his second night at work. We talked a little as I attempted to teach him what all that his new job would entail. He was good. I admired his initiative that he took and told him.

Despite the seniority difference between us; he being on his second day and I being on my second year, I told him that we were equals. We were … and are and we will always remain so.

Our friendship has a balance that is maintained solely through the love we have for one another. Sometimes our friendship is a bit off balance, but it always finds it’s equilibrium again. It’s a friendship unlike any I’ve ever had in my life.

Obviously there is a weakness in our relationship and that is communication. Yes, we tell each other a lot, however our deeper concerns remain hidden as we focus more on the more cosmetic issues. This blog is a blatant example of that. I do not know how to tell him that I believe that his girlfriend is playing a large role in destroying his life. I do not know how to tell him that a relationship solely based on sex and lust will deteriorate as soon as reality strikes.

I don’t know how to tell him that I’m not sure I’ll be able to rescue him when his life completely collapses – and that is my greatest fear, there will be a point in our friendship where I will no longer be able to save him.

Coffee, Money and Influenza

27 Saturday Feb 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, Coffee, friend, Life, Love, Money, Uncategorized

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This morning my friend and I were supposed to go and get coffee together but he’s too sick. He spent most of the night vomiting. He says that he can’t even get up.

The doctor says that he may have the flu.

Great – on two fronts.

First I hope that I don’t come down with the same illness he’s got because I cannot afford to miss work since I’m quite honestly paying the bills for two people. Two car payments, two car insurance payments, two student loan payments, two cell phone payments, my rent payment, his credit card payment,  my internet payment and my hospital bills, his car repair…

…and now he’s going to have a bill from his doctor. He has no insurance so this won’t be a small bill, and even if it were I’m kind of tight right now in the way of money.

Will the person he lives with cover this cost for the trip to Urgent Care? I have my doubts.

As rude and terrible as this may sound, sometimes I wish that I could just walk away from all of this. Just tell my friend, “you made your bed, now you lie in it.”

I do have my own life that I want to attend to a bit here and there but all my energy seems to be going towards pulling my friend out of the abyss he’s fallen into.

His daughter from his ex-girlfriend will be born in about two months – that’s pretty much how long he has to get his life together. He’s been unemployed for a month and a half and he’s only applied to perhaps 5 different places. A lot of this is due to his car being undriveable at the moment – however his girlfriend has a vehicle and I’ve offered several times to take him around to gather applications.

I wonder as I sip my cup of coffee here alone if he really understands the magnitude of the situation he’s in…

…or am I blowing it way out of proportion?

The Best Things

26 Friday Feb 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, friend, Life, Love, Money, Uncategorized

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My best friend and I insist on hugging each other. Primarily we do this in place of just saying ‘goodbye’ or ‘see you later’ after we’ve hung out for awhile. We do this to let each other know that we care about each other a lot and want the best for each other. The physical closeness brings an added layer to our friendship.

We are going to be there for each other through thick and thin and what better way to remind each other of that than with a hug?

Tomorrow (2/27.16) we’re going to go out and have coffee and simply just be around each other. I have plans on taking him bowling – or sledding just so he can do something fun and not have to be couped up in his girlfriends house.

I also bought him a six-pack of his favorite beer. It’s a difficult to find Italian beer that I think will be a nice surprise for him. It’s just another way for me to let him know I love him as he deals with being unemployed.

The loneliness factor

26 Friday Feb 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, friend, Life, Love, Money, Uncategorized

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I have my doubts and worries.

My best friend lives with his girlfriend.

I live alone.

I often wonder if he completely understands how lonely I get. For him there is almost always someone there for him to talk to, me on the other hand – I feel like I must compete for his attention. Sometimes up to 12 hours goes by before I’ll get any sort of response from him when in many ways I do just need to talk to someone.

It’s disheartening.

I do so much for him – trying to hold his life together as it falls apart and the moments when I need someone to talk to I get nothing.

I worry that maybe I’m not as important to him as he is to me.

Is that a legitimate worry that friends should have? I’m not sure.

I doubt he makes me a priority like I make him a priority.

Is that a doubt that I should entertain?

Loneliness is what instigates these thoughts as the hours go by, as I wait for some variety of a reply. Yes, his life is falling apart – and in many ways so is mine. All the energy I’m exerting to make sure he stays together is causing me to crumble as well.

I need to be reassured that everything will be OK from time to time.

Is that too much to ask?

Perhaps.

Navigating on the friendship ship

25 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, friend, Life, Love, Money, Uncategorized

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Society places a lot of pressure on male friendships. If you want a meaningful friendship in this culture you have to confront and openly destroy social norms that have been created. What is acceptable for girls is not acceptable for guys in regards to friendship. Everything that makes a friendship meaningful for girls is not allowed for guys.

In my friendship with my best friend I’ve noticed time and time again it’s frequently girls who insist that my friend and I don’t break those social norms. They are the quickest to slander us meanwhile they do the same thing in their friendships that they don’t want to see us doing.

They can yell across parking lots that they love each other and it’s OK however my best friend and I say it casually to each other when leaving (instead of saying ‘goodbye’) then the rumors start. “They are clearly in love with each other,” or “they have a sexual relationship going on” are two of the more common accusations.friend books

Regardless, we fight this in various ways.

I get books that help me to better build our friendship. Male friendship isn’t exactly something that our society teaches us guys how to maintain. A deep, meaningful friendship is what a lot of guys want but our society creates a lot of barriers that prevent that from happening.

There are many limitations placed on male friendships. My best friend and I try very hard to overcome them. I want a long friendship with my best friend since many of my previous friendships dissolved for various reasons. This one I refuse to let slip away.

I care about him too much to want to see that happen.

Falling down and holding up

25 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, friend, Life, Love, Money, Uncategorized

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At the beginning of December 2015 I collapsed at work.

I became disoriented at work and fell over, it was the person who I would very quickly begin to consider my best friend who caught me before I collapsed again.

I was taken to the hospital – my collapse was due to anemia. I was losing blood internally over the course of a long period of time and it finally caught up to me.

When I was taken to the hospital, my hemoglobin levels were at 4.8 which is a level considered fatal. I received four blood transfusions and an iron transfusion over the course of my three day stay in the hospital.

Typically a situation like that would change a persons life I suppose – but what really changed my life is that while at the hospital the person who I will forever consider to be my best friend showed up there to see how I was doing.

He stayed for several hours and made sure that I was doing alright.

I had only known him for a month at this point and we were what I would consider acquaintances but his two acts of kindness [ 1) catching me before collapsing a second time and 2) showing up at the hospital]  immediately changed how I seen him.

He is my other half. To commemorate that idea, we wear matching yin-yang necklaces.

We have this joke, I tell him that I have no soul and he tells me he knows because he keeps it with him – for safe keeping.

Sometimes I worry that I don’t have the strength to rescue him the same way that he has rescued me.

Finding love

25 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by chadwickheller in #friend, friend, Life, Love, Money, Uncategorized

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Tags

#love #friend

My best friend and I tell each other we love each other at a minimum once a day – something that might be normal for female best friends, but not too typical for male best friends. We think that our friendship should have a foundation set in love rather in just hanging out. That way when hard times come, we’ll be there for one another.

I love my best friend. I care a lot about his well being.

I don’t think his girlfriend that he lives with does – which is a problem that devastates me.

If they were to break up (- and I find this to almost be inevitable since he is currently unemployed and she has a history of only being in ‘relationships’ that barely last 3 months – and we’re just a week shy of the 2 month mark.) my best friend will not have any place to go.

I’ve told him that he can live with me in my tiny one-bedroom apartment, but that situation would be cramped for the both of us.

I am trying to keep his life together as much as I can. I’m paying his bills while he is unemployed, I’m paying to get his car fixed so he’ll have transportation, I’m taking time off work to take him to job interviews.

And she is taking him to sex shops to buy “couples bags”. It only took her a month and a half and a pregnancy scare for her to tell him that she “kind of loves” him.

From my perspective their relationship is toxic.

It took two weeks after he got himself in that relationship for him to lose his job. He persistently showed up late and was fired due to his attendance –  which was a week before his birthday.

I took him to a restaurant to celebrate his birthday and try to reassure him things would be ok.

She went on a ‘girls weekend’ and got herself a new tattoo.

I want the best for him and I can’t help but see that the girlfriend he has is so terribly wrong for him. She is destroying his life and he refuses to see that.

Watching his life fall apart is destroying me and that is why I started this blog – so that I can speak about my heartbreak.

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